Stepping In My Stilettos
Sitting on the bathroom floor with tears flowing down my face…I’ve been trying to hold it together, I really have. But today, sitting here, dressed for church, hair done, stilettos on, I can’t get up. So many thoughts playing in my head. “God, why cant I forgive? I’ve been praying so earnestly and so consistently that you would grant me grace to forgive and overcome. God, I want to move on! How many times have I prayed, ‘give me grace to forgive like You have forgiven me?’ God, I can’t do this!” …..Thinking to myself, Maybe God hasn’t forgiven me! I keep praying that He would allow me to forgive like he’s forgiven me. Maybe the reason my prayer hasn’t been answered is because He truly hasn’t forgiven me. OMG, this cant be! It just can’t! “God, please help me, I need your strength! God I need your peace to still my anxieties. Please God. Tell me, you forgive me, tell me you love me. Please God, say something. I need you.”
I drifted off shortly after that, and I begin to see a vision. I was walking through woods, panting as if I’d just stopped running. My clothes were dirty and ripped. The tears were stained with blood as if something sharp had been cutting me. I had opened wounds on my arms, shoulders, legs, and my face. I was in so much pain. I was dirty and muddy. Each wound seemed to be lined with dirt and grit. My hands looked unrecognizable as I turned them back and forth trying to understand what happened to me. I heard a faint call and immediately felt ashamed. Who was calling me? I can’t be seen like this! But, I need help, maybe they can help me. I started to walk towards voice. I could hear the voice saying “come to me.” Each time I heard it, shame and fear gripped me. Yet, I kept moving forward in hopes that there was someone there who could help me, tend to my wounds, and clean me up. I walked and walked searching frantically for the person behind the voice I was hearing . I eventually cleared the woods, and saw a plain, with hills. Beyond the first hill I could see a larger hill. This hill illuminated with a cross erected. I was so confused. What was that? Is the voice coming from that? I walked forward for a bit without hearing anything, just the sound of my heavy, anxious breathing. As I got closer to the cross I noticed that there was someone on it, but they were hurt, just like me. I began to turn back thinking maybe I should find help for both of us. Then I heard him, he spoke. “Come to me,” he said. The voice sounded so familiar. This was the voice that had called to me while I was walking through the woods. I know this voice, but who is this? I moved forward very reluctantly. With every few steps, I re-examined myself, my wounds, and my clothes. “I’m so dirty.. I’m so hurt, I’m so bloody, I’m in so much pain” Each time I would utter a rebuttal, I heard “come to me” and felt compelled to continue moving forward. The closer I got, I realized more and more that the person on the cross was badly hurt. Why was he so hurt? My wounds seemed so minuscule compared to his. I reached the foot of the cross feeling helpless. I couldn’t help this man i felt so burdened at this moment. I fell to my knees apologizing, and crying. Apologizing that I was in no position to help him, pointing out my own hurt. “I’m so sorry I can’t help you, I’m not strong enough to get you down. I wish I could have helped so that you wouldn’t have ended up here. You probably don’t deserve this. I don’t know where I was, but I wish i could have prevented this.” I began looking at my arms and hands. I noticed that the wounds and dirt were now drenched in blood. I was dripping in blood all over. The wounds I had were closing and the dirt was being washed away. The pain faded. I looked up and realized this man’s blood was pouring down on me, and somehow it was healing me. I didn’t deserve to have this healing blood. Why was I being healed and he wasn’t. This blood was flowing throw his veins, why couldn’t it heal him? I looked up with so much humble gratitude and began to cry and thank him. It appeared to me that he was sacrificing his blood to heal me, to help me. “Sir, how could I ever repay you? How could I ever thank you enough?” His eyes were filled with so much love, so much compassion. Staring into his eyes somehow gave me strength to stand. It seemed I was completely captivated by this man. I didn’t want the leave his side. He began to speak. His voice was raspy as he said “Go to My Father,” looking off to the right in the distance. The clouds seemed to part and a bright light peered through. I began to walk towards the light, still thinking about the blood I was drenched in. But I was so compelled by the light, that I went anyway. As I got closer, I spoke up and said “I’m not clean.” Then, a resounding voice replied saying “All I see is the blood!.” I glanced back to see the man smiling at me re-assuring me that it was okay to move forward. I proceeded to walk, feeling a warm embrace filled with love I couldn’t begin to express with mere words…..
God showed me this to let me know how much I was loved and that I was forgiven. Sometimes, we need to be reminded that God forgives us.
I John 1:9 KJV If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
I believe the most beautiful aspect of forgiveness is that it is so easy to receive from God. All He asks and that you confess your sins to him and request His forgiveness. From God, the gift of forgiveness is free and costs us nothing, save acknowledgement and a desire to change. There are no strings attached. It’s just that simple. Hebrews 10:17 KJV And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more. Micah 7:18-19 KJV. 18. Who is like unto thee, that pardoneth iniquity and passeth by the transgression of the remnant of his heritage? He retaineth not his anger for ever, because He delighteth in mercy. 19. He will turn again, He will have compassion upon us; He will subdue our iniquities; and thou wilt cast all their sins into the depths of the sea. When God mercifully grants forgiveness, He will not remember our sins! God’s mercy completely lets go of our sins. Isn’t it beautiful to serve a God who doesn’t hold past transgressions against us? Instead of condemning us for our wickedness, he extends his mercy and allows us to have a much different destiny. Often times our own guilt plagues us and binds us up. While you are running to the alter every week and begging God to forgive you of your transgressions, God is looking down on you asking “what transgression?” (Not literally of course, because He is All Knowing–but you get the picture.) Forgiving ourselves is all to often a long drawn out process because satan desires to deceive you. That guilt is of the devil. It’s a trick. You see, you cannot move forward into the position God has called you into if you are still stuck in “phase 1.” As long as you are bound in guilt generated by satan, your growth is hindered, and the Kingdom of God is hindered. I can remember a time where I couldn’t even pray. I imagine satan was ecstatic! Don’t let satan trick you! Consider:
II.Corinthians 5:17 KJV Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.
The Savior called you out of darkness, out of sin, out of the ‘woods.’ He has called you to Him. He has covered you with His precious blood. His blood covers you, heals you, cleans you, and makes you whole. He called you to focus on Him, and what He has done for you. He has redeemed you and allowed you to have a relationship with The Holy Father. You may think you are unclean, but The Father sees that you have been washed with the blood of the Lamb. You are a new creature!
I pray that if you are in a place of guilt and/ or shame, this testimony will give you hope.
In the meantime… Father, help me to remember to walk in your forgiveness, your sacrifice was enough -Lana