Stepping In My Stilettos:
My head hurts. It hurts so badly. Like the old headaches I thought I was healed from. But I KNOW I was healed! I felt it! I shook my head and felt nothing… literally, it felt like something that was causing pressure was instantly removed! I didn’t have a headache for months after! But if I were truly healed, why is it back? The headaches are becoming more frequent, which means so are the seizures… (sigh)… I don’t want to go back to the neurologists. I’m tired of being their guinea pig. I don’t want to take Topamax all my life, and all this Excedrin can’t be good for me (not with as often as I take it.) Will i ever be free of all this medication? Is it possible to lose a healing you once received? That can’t be right! No one healed in the bible had a re-occurring issue! What’s wrong with me? Lord, tell me something…
I asked God for a writing topic, and with today’s word prompt “Miniature” he confirmed what he had already given me.
Here’s a bit of back story in case you’re lost by my thoughts above: For years, almost as long as I can remember, I’ve had these terrible headaches. Debilitating headaches. Mainly sourced from my left temple area, then the pain would spread. My doctors thought I needed glasses, but that didn’t stop them. I remember sitting in big machines at Children’s hospital while doctors tried to determine what was wrong with me. I remember falling asleep listening to 103.5 FM (the Light) while my head was smashed between this weird contraption and my body was strapped to the table that rolled into this giant ivory colored machine shaped like an “O.” It was uncomfortable and cold. All this testing, to no avail unfortunately, I was sent home with a headache and a prescription. Nothing worked. The headaches became more and more prevalent as I got older until they reached a plateau where they never went away. Can you imagine a 24-7-365 day a year headache? Medicine would relieve the intensity, but the headache would never leave. Throughout high school and my early adult years, I just learned to ignore it, to function through the pain. In 2008 I believe, I blacked out on the freeway during rush our traffic, I woke to find Emergency crews and an atheist eye witness who claimed he believed in “at least angels now,” because of what he saw and the fact that I wasn’t physically injured and had no recollection of what happened. I was told I did almost a 90 degree turn directly into the median from the far right lane and my car should have been airborne, and somehow I ended up back in the lane I started in. I began seeing a new neurologist who determined that the headaches, random blackouts, and memory gaps were being caused by some type of seizure. Then all the testing began again. I remember sitting in a somewhat plush chair with wires being stuck to my scalp with some sticky toothpaste smelling substance and a strobe light being placed in front of me. I felt like Frankenstein.
Anyway, one day during an alter call, i was praying while listening to a preacher pray for healing for a woman who was having problems with her legs. When he finished the prayer, I could feel an instant release of pressure in my head. It was as if a something was removed and immediately relieved all the pressure I had been feeling. The pain I’d grown accustomed to living with all day, every day was suddenly gone! It almost felt like a hole in my head for a while. I shook my head expecting the pain, but nothing. I hit my head with the palm of my hand a few times, expecting painful backlash, but I felt absolutely nothing! I knew at that moment, I had been healed by the power of the Almighty God. That moment and the days to follow were so surreal. I had long since accepted the idea that I would live with this pain forever, but miraculously, it was gone!
Fast forward to today: The headaches are back. Not at the same frequency, not even close! At first, the headaches were every blue moon and the blackouts down to a minimum (although I could tell if I had one while sleeping.) But that, I could definitely handle! As time passes, I’m noticing they are becoming more frequent and more intense. To be completely transparent, it’s extremely discouraging. It’s like I wrote above, who in the bible was healed and then their ailment returned? I began to feel like my “miracle” was miniature, minuscule, or maybe was just some major coincidence. I prayed about it and did some digging and was surprised by what I found.
Mark 8:22-26 22 And he cometh to Bethsaida; and they bring a blind man unto him, and besought him to touch him.23 And he took the blind man by the hand, and led him out of the town; and when he had spit on his eyes, and put his hands upon him, he asked him if he saw ought.24 And he looked up, and said, I see men as trees, walking.25 After that he put his hands again upon his eyes, and made him look up: and he was restored, and saw every man clearly.
This man was the recipient of a two-fold miracle. First he could see nothing, then shadows, then clearly!
Now, perhaps this is a stretch…but the previous versus in this chapter mentioned that Jesus was teaching about people having eyes and ears, but not being able to see or hear. Perhaps this applies to me and my miracle! Okay, let me slow down and explain how I came to this idea. Our faith is the driving factor that heals us. We ask and BELIEVE that we will be healed. We believe that we will receive whatever it is that we are asking for. Sometimes it may seem like our faith is in vain until, we see a glimmer of hope, and that alone increases our faith. (See what I did there?) Jesus made mud, placed it on the blind man’s eyes and he went from seeing nothing at all to seeing shadows. This was the first part of the miracle. Do you think that “miniature” miracle would have increased your faith? Likely! Perhaps this man thought: “wow! I can see something!” Or what if seeing only shadows was a let down to the man’s expectations? Maybe the man concluded that if Jesus could make me see shadows, surely he can make me see clearly! This could have given the man a boost of faith! Once Jesus touched the mans eyes again, his sight was completely clear. The two-fold miracle was complete. However, the second miracle shouldn’t downplay the first one. They were both grand miracles. Consider this: if you had eyes, but they didn’t work, there’s something wrong. (No disrespect to anyone blind.) This applies to even our faith. If you say you have faith, but it doesn’t work, something is wrong. Faith without works is dead. Perhaps you need an increase of faith, in order to complete the work or miracle that was started in you. Side-note: That is NOT to say that just because something doesn’t happen the way YOU want it, that you are lacking faith–Rather to say, that IF it’s Gods will for something to happen but you’re only half-way there, perhaps you need an increase of faith. For me, maybe this means I should pray for an increase in my faith. I’ll admit I started believing that I would completely return to the condition I was in prior to my miracle. But If the God I serve was able to deliver me from day in and day out headaches, surely he can deliver me from them completely, forever! Today, I’ll pray for an increase of my faith and that it doesn’t fail! Maybe then, and only then, will i receive the completion of my two-fold miracle.
Till next time… Let your little glimmer of hope increase your faith. Father, please increase my faith to believe that you will complete the work you began in me. – Lana
Philippians 1:6 Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ: